


Activate My Heart

by Skilled_With_A_Quill



Category: detroit become human
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-13
Updated: 2018-07-13
Packaged: 2019-06-09 19:29:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,998
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15274644
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Skilled_With_A_Quill/pseuds/Skilled_With_A_Quill
Summary: Songfic based on the song Activate my heart by Natalia Kills.Nadine is an android who was tossed away by her owner after he had ordered a newer model, she eventually finds herself at Jericho fighting alongside her people for their freedom but there is a small part of her that wonders if she deserves freedom at all, if she deserves the friends she's made; Markus is there to assure her she does.





	Activate My Heart

**Author's Note:**

> TW/s: Mentions of thirium(android blood), Mentions of attempted self destruct(suicide), Mentions of abandonment, Heights

The night was cold and dark, snow falling gently from the sky above and landing on the city streets below silently; Nadine sat on a ledge attached to one of the many tall buildings watching humans and androids bustle around the streets in a hurry to get home. Her brows were furrowed as her eyes gazed upon couples less hastily walking through the streets, a strange feeling ripping through her chest and causing tears to brim her eyes. But she couldn’t quite figure out why or what she was feeling, she’d never felt it before. 

I’ve been played around  
Love has let me down  
Tore my feelings out

Her gaze traveled to her lone hand gripping the ledge with unnecessary force as her other hand raised to grasp the thick material of her coat covering where her thirium pump was hiding underneath, her LED flashed to a vibrant yellow. Glimpses of a human flashed behind her eyes, glimpses of being held and feelings of happiness and love filled her and she closed her eyes in attempts to hold onto them. But as soon as they came they were gone as being held turned to being thrown away and feelings of happiness and love turned to sadness and hurt; her throat tightened and so did the grip on her coat and the ledge.

I refuse to hurt  
I refuse to cry  
Not another time

Nadine let out a shaky breath as tears threatened to spill from her eyes, but she wouldn’t let them; her LED now a dangerous red. Her stress levels were high, she could feel her thirium pump begin to pump erratically. The memories flooded her no matter how hard she tried to keep them at bay but even so she tried to keep her composure; even so she tried to ignore the negative feelings eating her away inside.  
She was frustrated and confused, she was hurt and angry. So many emotions she never would have thought she could feel only months ago. Everything had been so perfect when she was just a machine fulfilling it’s purpose, being a companion to a lonely artist and complying to all his wishes and needs but everything seemed to fall apart when she started to feel. Started to care, started to love, started to deviate. 

I know i need to be rewired  
I want to love again  
Don’t think my heart Is just a hardrive  
I’m just malfunctioning 

At first she dismissed it as a malfunction in her program, as a companion android it was expected to be close to it’s owner. Falling in love with them however, was never a possibility; except it was. Nadine had fallen in love with the charming artist against all odds, her programming to tend to his needs being done out of a want to make him happy instead of orders to do as she was told.  
It was fine at first, she just played the part of faithful android companion like always and he seemed happy with her, for a moment she tricked herself into believing he loved her too. But as she sat on the ledge on this cold winter night she knew that had never been true; he had used her like the machine she was and when he was done with her he told her so bluntly he was getting rid of her in exchange for a newer model.  
Her biggest mistake was questioning it, falling to his feet and asking why he didn’t love her; what she was doing wrong, how she could be better for him. The look on his face as she wept and showed such emotion was enough to make her want to self destruct, the words he spoke sending her even closer to that edge.

“Love an android? You’re just a machine my dear, no one could ever love you.”

She remembered sitting up all night, going through her program and trying to find the malfunction; trying to find a way to stop the feelings engulfing her being. She remembered being filled with an awful feeling, flashes of her own hands stained with the thirium from her body and her own thirium pump being held in her shaky hands. She remembered feeling so much regret and fear, fumbling to put it back in it’s place as her vision became dark.  
Nadine held back a choked sob as memories of waking up in that graveyard of a dump resurfaced, the feeling of the rain pelting against her skin and the mud on her back sending a shiver down her spine. At this point Nadine wrapped her arms around herself and lifted her legs so she could bury her face in her knees; the memories and tha pain was all too much for her to bear and she almost wished she could go back to being an emotionless machine.

Almost.

Show me how to love  
Show me where to start  
Activate my heart  
Cuz it don’t work anymore

“Nadine? I was wondering where you were, I’ve been looking for you, are you alright?” The familiar comforting voice of Markus danced through her ears and she felt her tense body relax a small bit; her LED returning to a shade of blue. She couldn’t find the strength to raise her head or unfurl herself from her position and she sighed.  
“Yes I’m… I’m okay, I’m sorry if I worried you.” She mumbled, realizing he would have probably gotten worried about her sudden unexplained absence. She did mean to tell someone where she was going but as she was walking through jericho she had been suddenly overwhelmed by the crowds of androids about her and had ran out without a word. While she was recounting her exit from jericho an hour earlier Markus made his way towards her and drew her attention as he sat beside her facing the opposite direction.  
Shifting her head so she could peek out from beneath her arm she was met with Markus’ concerned gaze.  
“You’ve been crying.” He observed and she immediately hid her face once again, cursing her tearducts for betraying her.  
“It’s okay to cry Nadine, it’s normal.” Markus’s voice cut through her self berating and a jolt was sent through her senses as his warm hand was placed comfortingly on her shoulder.  
“I know.” She replied in a small voice and Markus could feel his concern grow. He removed his hand from her shoulder and turned back to the roof, his elbows resting on his knees as he took in the view of the sky. Nadine had a habit of disappearing while seemingly upset and reappearing acting as if everything was normal and she was absolutely fine when Markus could tell she most definitely was not. He had tried so many times already to get her to open up and tell him what had her so troubled but she would always brush him off or change the subject. It was frustrating but Markus wasn’t known for giving up easily. 

“So, what are you doing up here?” He asked, trying to sound more casual in attempts to help her calm down and be more willing to talk.  
“Thinking.” She responded shortly, trying to subtly wipe the tears from her cheeks which was quite awkward in her current position.  
“About?” Markus inquired, hoping she would be willing to tell him. A small sigh escaped Nadines mouth and Markus was worried he had upset her with his, albeit light, prodding. He watched as she unfurled herself and leant her forearms against her knees; her dark brown eyes stared out at the city with an empty look in them. It hurt Markus to see such an expression on her face and it hurt knowing it wasn’t one of rarity.  
“Why are you always so worried about me Markus? Why do you always want to know about what I’m feeling?” Nadine turned to meet Markus’ heterochromia eyes with a sad gaze, Markus felt his chest twist strangely as she looked at him with such an expression; he wanted nothing more than to hold her and make that sad look dissapear.  
“Because, I care about you. I want to know how you’re feeling because you’re important to me and how you feel is important.” Markus explained, brows furrowed as he tried to correctly articulate the reason behind his insistent actions. Although even after he said it he felt that he still was not using quite the correct words, something inside him knew it was something much deeper; something he had not felt until Nadine.

Show me how to love  
Show me where to touch  
Teach me how to smile

“But why?” Nadines expression became stressed and her upper body turned to face Markus, her right arm moving to support her as she looked at Markus desperately.  
“Why do you care about me Markus? I’m just a rusty old NR250, I’ve been less then accommodating and I’ve done nothing but push you and everyone at Jericho as far away as possible! What have I done to be worth caring about?” Nadine’s words came out rushed and stressed, the last sentence coming out breathy and weak. Markus’ felt his hand twitch, feeling the urge to cup her face and wipe away the fresh tears beginning to stain her cheeks.  
“You don’t need to do anything to be worth caring about Nadine, everyones deserves to be cared for and you’re not ‘just a rusty old NR250’, you are so much more than that.” Markus’ eyes softened as Nadines expression only twisted more with his words, her body tense as she tried to refrain from breaking down in front of her leader. Markus hesitantly reached forward and placed his hand over hers, watching her reaction carefully and noting how she was shaking ever so slightly.  
“It’s okay to need time, to heal and to become comfortable around others, to trust others. So many of us are struggling because of things from our past and it’s okay to need that time, you’re not alone in your fight Nadine; i’m- we, are all here with you.” Markus spoke softly yet firmly, catching himself at the last minute and hoping his minor slip wasn’t too obvious.

I can learn to kiss  
I feel happiness  
I can be the one

Nadine was silent, seemingly having an internal battle as she stared at Markus’ hand on hers. She knew his words made sense, they were logical but at the moment the last thing on her mind was logic and reason; her LED had returned to red and her left hand had come up to grasp at her coat once again.  
“I… I just feel so… Lost, I don’t know what to do Markus. I don’t know how to stop feeling like this. I’m scared I’ll never stop feeling this way.” Nadine couldn’t keep the words from tumbling out her mouth, after so much restraint and a fight to keep it all in it was all slowly seeping out of every pore of her synthetic skin. Markus adjusted his position so his body was facing hers and he gently took both of her hands in his, he wanted so desperately to understand what exactly she was feeling; to be able to lift some of that burden from her shoulders.  
“I was lost for a long time, I sometimes felt as if that feeling would never go away; I would be stuck questioning everything and never really knowing if what I was doing was right. But after some time I don’t think I’m lost anymore, I’ve found my home, I’ve freed my people, I’ve found my family,” as he said that his grip on Nadines hands tightened and he held her gaze intently, “you will not be lost forever Nadine. All that fear will dissapear and everything will become clear to you, you’ll find what you didn’t know you were looking for and everything will click into place and I promise to be by your side until that happens and long after.” Markus spoke with certainty to his tone and sincerity in his eyes, trying to fully convey the feelings behind his words and show he meant them with how tightly he held her hands in his. 

I came equipped with all the same parts  
I’m not just megabites  
So hold me hold close while I push restart  
So I can love you right

Nadine felt all her defenses breaking down and she felt her body involuntarily lean forward, the awkward angle making her sway on the ledge and Markus was quick to pull her towards him; his arms encircling her waist and pulling her onto his lap. It was then, with her head buried in Markus’ shoulder and hands clinging to his jacket and shirt did she let out a broken sob, her shoulders shaking and all her pent up feelings came pouring out with her tears. The broken cries coming from her made Markus’ thirium pump ache, his arms tightening the embrace as he leant his head against hers.  
He wasn’t sure if it was the fact that he had never seen someone just fall apart in front of him or the fact that it was Nadine that had fallen apart in front of him but he was feeling so useless, he had wanted to comfort her and he couldn’t tell if he was doing so or just making it worse. He could make speeches and reassure friends but this somehow felt so different, with Nadine sobbing in his arms he felt so weak when he was usually trying to be so strong. He found himself whispering soft words of comfort as she wept into his shoulder, staining his jacket with her tears; his hand rubbing soothing circles into her back and he tried his best to keep himself together.  
It felt like an eternity passed, Nadines broken cries becoming soft whimpers and sniffling; her grip on his clothing had loosened while his grip on hers stayed tight as if he was scared she would slip away as soon as he let go. Silence hung in the air as Nadine leant her forehead against Markus’ shoulder, she couldn’t define whether she felt better or worse; her throat was sore and her head pounded in protest to the strain. 

She tried to gather her thoughts so she could speak again and not relapse into an onslaught of tears and emotional rambling, her lips were swollen and her cheeks were puffy; such a human reaction for such a machine.  
“I’m sorry.” Nadine croaked quietly, her voice still recovering from the violent sobs and cries previously ripping out of her throat. Markus felt his grip tighten and his brows furrowed in confusion.  
“Sorry for what?” He asked, not sure if he wanted to hear the answer.  
“For everything. From the first day I met you, you were nothing but kind and understanding and i… I just, fought you, I fought your kindness, I fought your want to care for me. I can’t let go of my past and you’ve been fighting so hard for my future, for my present. I truly thought I didn’t deserve to have one, I’m still not sure i do but… I want to. I want to look forward to my future and let go of my past, I just don’t know how to yet.” Nadine spoke slowly, trying to articulate her thoughts as clearly as possible, trying to articulate her feelings. Markus took in every word, letting them sink in and processing what she said carefully.

Show me how to love  
Show me where to start  
Activate my heart  
Cuz it don’t work anymore

Markus leant back and Nadine copied his actions, meeting his intense gaze wary of what he would say; this was the first time she had been this open about her feelings and it was quite the terrifying experience.  
“I don’t blame you for wanting to protect yourself, something in your past made you wary of trusting others and I know it wasn’t personal. It will be hard letting go of what’s happened in the past, it always is, but while it will be a slow journey it won’t be a lonely one. I understand if it takes time for you to open up to the others like you have with me but know I’ll be here for you and I want to help in whatever way I can, even if that is just listening and being a shoulder to cry on.” Markus removed one of his hands that were resting on Nadines waist and took hold of one of her hands that had been resting on his chest.  
Nadine stared at their hands once again and for a moment she swore her thirium pump had skipped a beat. Nadine glanced back up at Markus’ warm and comforting gaze and her LED slowly regained it’s light blue colour, feeling his words spread through her and actually believing them. Even if it was going to take a while to learn how to trust again, to be comfortable and open with people, Markus was going to be there for her and as the two sat above the city of detroit on this snow covered ledge Nadine felt safe for the first time in a long time.  
“Thank you, Markus,” Nadine whispered, closing her eyes and focusing on the cold nipping at her exposed skin, “for everything.” Markus watched Nadines content expression with a warm feeling blooming in his chest, he was happy he was able to reduce some of her worries even if it was only for this short moment.  
No more words were said and the two stayed on the ledge for quite some time, Nadine enjoying the feeling of not being so alone in her fight anymore and Markus enjoying the feeling of being closer to Nadine then he ever had been before.

Show me how to love  
Show me where start  
Activate my heart  
Cuz it don’t work anymore

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: I hope you enjoyed this short songfic! If you did like it please leave a kudos and maybe tell me what you thought about it! I really appreciate any feedback, constructive criticism is always welcomed!


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